Liberscribes/Relationships/Love and Pain/Loss.

I will never be too far

“In one of those stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night. And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend…I shall not leave you.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

When I first read these lines, I had this feeling of déjà-vu. I knew I had already felt that. I tried hard to remember but nothing was on sight. The feeling remained but no exact memory to link it to. Then I saw your picture as I was scrolling through my phone the other day. That’s when it all came back.

You and I had been so close for a long time. We thought we had eternity here, not knowing eternity only happens in many dimensions, all into one. We made promises of standing by each other as long as we live. You kept yours but had to leave a bit too soon.

I could have followed you but the god of death is the only one to decide when to send the Reaper and I remember we promised never to give in to suicide. You once said that it’s too selfish and may not help the adventure on the other side. I wonder how you could understand those things. You were so young. At least for your age when you were still around.

Today, as I stared at the sky, reminiscing our moments, I had this weird feeling of you staring at me from above. I could swear I saw your face grinning peacefully somewhere over the rainbow.

That’s how I remembered the little prince’s words. You once said the first to go will bear the responsibility of watching over the other. Is that what you’ve been doing? Watching over me? Waiting for me to join for the next adventure?

‘Cause sometimes I have the feeling that you’re still around. That you’ve never left. That the accident never happened. I have goose bumps thinking of it. Like right now as I am penning this. The sorrow is still so intense. I was not ready. Three years and I am still not ready. Time soothes it all, right? I guess it failed me. On Purpose mayhaps. So that I can never forget you. What you meant to me. When you represented. It still hasn’t changed.

How does it look like on the other side? Some days I go to bed with the hope to join you for the next chapter. I know what you will be thinking of all this. That’s why I never tell it all to the stars. Fear you might hear and grow mad. I said I would live a happy life until we met again. But I can tell. It’s not that easy. You said I should find the strength in me. But guess what, you were my strength. And you’ve left. I know you didn’t plan it. Still, you left.

You must have listened to my song yesterday. Did you like it? I know what it sounds like but I had to let it out. I was thinking of you. I was thinking of us. Everything we used to be. Promises we made and plans we had.

If you ever read this, make a sign, shine through a star. So bright, so intense. Let me feel your presence. I have to confess that I don’t know what to hold on to anymore. The idea of seeing you again soon. Living my life as you would want it and wait until the Reaper shows up. Which one? How long before I get to see you again?

You see? I can’t make my mind. All this because of you. It could have been easier if you were still around. You know I am right. I listened to Lana Del Rey all day. I did the same yesterday before writing that song for you. There’s a lot I need to tell you. But I need to know you’re still there. Somewhere over the rainbow Somewhere amongst the stars. Listening, caring and watching over me.

A sign. That’s what I am waiting for. That’s what I am desperately awaiting. Just a sign to know you kept your promise. That you’re never too far. That I can still hold on and do things for the both of us. Are you really not that far?

Paterne Freeman Shadowriter, Liberscribes